What are the differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting?

Communication with your former partner after you separate can be difficult. It is likely to be unavoidable when you have children together. If you have a conflict situation with your ex, or if they exhibit narcissistic behaviours, then parallel parenting could be a really helpful solution.

What is parallel parenting?

This option for co-parenting is aimed at parents who want to limit contact with each other and/or those who have differing styles of parenting. This style of parenting can be beneficial to victims of domestic abuse.

The aim of it is for both parents to spend quality time with the children, but to keep you separate from each other at those types of interactions and occasions when paths would usually cross.

Important decisions such as medical treatment, and educational choices would remain joint. Neither parent would lose their parental responsibility for the child, but everyday choices will be made independently.

Can you do parallel parenting with a narcissist?

This is when parallel parenting often works best. The narcissist’s need to control will make co-parenting extremely difficult if not impossible. A parallel parenting plan can remove that power and allow you to parent freely.

More information about narcissism.

What is the difference between parallel parenting and co-parenting?

Parallel parenting is a form of co-parenting, but it is distinguished because it is more rigid in its approach.

A couple who co-parent are likely to have communication channels open, and be flexible with the other when changes are needed. They will have shared parenting ideas and methods so that the children have consistent boundaries and shared principles in each home.

In contrast, the parallel parent benefits from having a fixed arrangement where there is much less room for doubt or confusion. With that does come a loss of flexibility as mentioned below.

What are the benefits of parallel parenting?

Your children are less likely to be exposed to acrimony between their parents because communication between you is kept to an absolute minimum. You will be free to make arrangements and parent your child as you wish when they are in your care (so long as their safety and welfare is protected of course).

The key advantage is that there should be little room for confusion or disagreement, as the arrangements should all be set out in a plan. That means you have the security of a predictable arrangement and reduced stress and anxiety for the whole family.

What are the disadvantages of parallel parenting?

There is often a need for this type of plan when disagreements have been rife in the past. That means that there is likely to be little scope for flexibility. Getting your parenting plan drawn up very carefully at the outset is therefore of much more importance to a parallel parent than it might be for those who are amicable and able to adapt to support the other parent.

One issue that parallel parenting can’t resolve is what happens when there is a big decision to be made. You each retain your rights to make a joint decision as a parent by virtue of having parenting responsibility.

How do you make a parallel parenting plan?

It is essential for a clear plan to be put in place if parallel parenting is going to work. Such a plan would set rules for specific situations including attending events and communication.

As no two separated families are the same, parenting plans will be bespoke. You should speak to a family law solicitor who will advise you on the sorts of issues to include and give you the benefit of their experience as to what is workable and reasonable.

What should your parallel parenting plan include?

At the heart of your plan should be arrangements for spending time with the children. Which parent will they be with, and when and who is responsible for pickups and drop-offs.

Other examples are:

1. Parents evening — does only one parent or both attend, and if the latter, what times should each go to minimise the risk of a cross-over.
2. Who is to arrange and attend medical or dental appointments.
3. Who organises the children’s haircuts.
4. Which extra-curricular activities are attended by which parent.
5. How financial costs (such as school uniform and trips) are to be shared.

A key rule of parallel parenting is agreeing how information is to be communicated. This could be by way of WhatsApp, text, email or through the use of a parenting app.