Divorcing a narcissist

It is often said that divorcing a narcissist can be more difficult than being married to one. So how do you spot a narcissist, and how can you ensure that they don’t derail the divorce or civil partnership dissolution process?

What is a narcissist?

True narcissism is a personality disorder but narcissistic traits can come in many forms. The more obvious traits you will recognise are arrogant feelings or self-importance, exaggeration of achievements and putting down others to promote themselves. A narcissist feels very entitled, but needs validation and a huge sense of popularity. They will discard anyone who doesn’t agree or challenges them, but keep close those whom they can manipulate into supporting them.

Narcissists can be abusive in many different ways. There can be physical or sexual abuse, and there can also be emotional or financial abuse. They will often have a ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ personality and it will generally only be you who sees both sides.

Your family and friends may not recognise the other side of their personality which you deal with at home. The narcissist is often hiding in plain sight.

What is gaslighting?

The most common form of gaslighting is your spouse or partner telling you that they haven’t done something when you absolutely know that they did. They will repeat this until you start to doubt and question yourself. It is a form of manipulation.

They will wait for you to leave the room, drink your coffee and then tell you that you drank it. You didn’t and you know you didn’t, but they will lie until you doubt yourself.

Another form of gaslighting is telling you that other people are lying. For example, your friend tells you something bad about your partner and you confront them about it. Their response is that your friend is obviously lying. Your partner will then criticise you for believing your friend over them. They will have dodged the allegation and turned it around on you in the blink of an eye.

The narcissist may also gaslight your family and friends, or your children, by telling them it’s all you and you’re the ‘crazy one.’

How can a narcissistic spouse complicate your divorce?

Typically, a narcissist will thrive on drama and the more of it they can create in your divorce, the more empowered they will feel.

They are likely to argue over every detail, however small, and they will want to have the last word.

The narcissist will argue that black is white to such an extent that they want to have you believing it too. They generally do this for two reasons:

1. To feel in control of the process
2. To undermine you and make you feel wrong

The narcissist will never admit they are wrong. They will also lie. They will probably lie to their solicitor, to the family court and to anyone who will listen.

This all means that you must not be afraid to go to court. That way, the court system controls the process, the timetable and sets out what is required. It may feel daunting at the start but it takes the power away from the narcissist.

What about our finances?

If you are married to a narcissist, it is highly likely that they control the money. They are generally the higher earner in the marriage and they know where all of your money goes, but you may not know the same about theirs.

We are often consulted by clients who are worried that their spouse or partner has hidden or spent money and they don’t know how to find it.

It is important to instruct a family solicitor early on and to tell them what you do know and what you don’t know. Make a list of everything you can remember: bank accounts, credit cards, pensions, shares. Anything that you have seen or discussed is vitally important. They can then advise you on the best course of action to protect assets that are there, and to trace other potential assets.

If you can, ensure you have some interim financial security before you tell your spouse of your intention to separate. Your solicitor can advise you on preliminary steps that can be taken. There may be options for you to stay in the house and exclude your spouse, and for them to provide you with interim maintenance and pay your legal bills depending on your situation.

How might narcissistic behaviour impact our children?

The reality is that your approaches will be different. You will prioritise your children and do all that you can to shield them from any abusive behaviour whereas the narcissist may try to use the children as pawns in the divorce.

The narcissist will want the children because you want the children. The children also ‘belong’ to the narcissist and can be controlled in a way that you no longer can be.

Your children may feel conflicted. You may not feel that it is safe for them to be alone with the other parent. Talk to your solicitor about it, and what the Family Court can do to keep you and the children safe. Whilst there is a presumption in law that children should spend time with both parents, if you don’t agree with that, the arrangements becomes subject to a careful risk assessment.

Is mediation appropriate?

It might be, but it can be difficult to negotiate with a narcissist. If you would feel unsafe or uncomfortable then mediation probably isn’t the right option for you, but don’t discount it without discussing with your solicitor beforehand.

An experienced mediator who understands the nuances of narcissistic behaviours should be able to keep sessions on track and avoid attempts by the narcissist to sabotage and manipulate the process. Consider also the use of hybrid or integrated mediation where you can be supported within the sessions by either your lawyer and/or a divorce coach or counsellor.

Our experience is that you should never tell the narcissist what you truly want, always ask for more. That way, when they negotiate you downwards, they will feel they have won without knowing that you got exactly what you wanted.

Top tips for divorcing a narcissist

1. Keep calm and rise above the drama
2. Avoid being dragged into ‘tit-for-tat’
3. Set yourself reasonable goal objectives
4. Put in place healthy boundaries
5. Lock down your social media accounts
6. Change your passwords
7. Keep a secure journal to write down what you can remember, what you were told and any questions you have
8. Secure a strong lawyer who listens to you and who you trust to represent you
9. Accept support from others including professionals
10. Don’t be afraid to go to court

Remember to pick your battles. The narcissist wants drama; they want to argue. Let your solicitor guide you on what needs to be responded to and what can be ignored. Always take your time to reply — not only does this give you breathing space to think about your response, it also shows the narcissist that they are not in control and that things will go at your pace.