Recent statistics from ONS suggest that there are 2.4 million separated families in Great Britain, with 3.8 million children in those separated families Separated families statistics: April 2014 to March 2023 - GOV.UK. For those children with separated parents, whether adult children or minors, Christmas can be a difficult time when they find themselves caught up with the stress and emotion felt by their parents. They can often find themselves in the centre of a dispute.
In the months leading up to Christmas the family courts become inundated with applications to resolve child or care arrangements for younger children. For many, even now, the courts will be unable to accommodate anything other than the most urgent matters before the Christmas period and so what can parents to do?
Plan
At the best of times, Christmas requires a degree of planning.
Discuss arrangements with the other parent and if adult, your children, as early as possible, be specific and record any agreement reached in a written document.
Listen
However hard this is, try to listen to each other’s views, opinions and ideas. Try to hear and acknowledge them.
Remember - Christmas is only for a few days of the year, and a time for children and family. Put yourself in your children’s shoes and think about what they might like to do, who they would like to see and how they can spend time with all of you.
Consider wider family connections
Christmas can be an important time for wider family members, especially grandparents.
For those with blended families, such as step-parents and half siblings, arrangements may have an added layer of complexity with more individuals to factor into the mix. Likewise for adult children, who may have their own partners and children to accommodate.
Whatever your views, those extended family members are part of your child’s life, and choosing to ignore that can be at your peril.
Consider logistics
Arrangements for families who live some distance apart will differ from those who live in closer proximity.
Allowing sufficient time for travel is important, especially at a time of year when the weather can be poor and cause delays, as is recognising the impact a long journey can have, especially on a younger child. Although very difficult for a parent without children at home on Christmas Day, alternating key days over the Christmas break can often be the most practical solution.
Living closer to the other parent can sometimes avoid this, but it is important to remember that feeling that they can spend quality time with both (or more) sides of the family is likely to be your child’s aspiration and will help provide for positive lasting memories later in their life.
No child (or parent) really wants to spend half of Christmas Day in the car, or eating two Christmas meals, whilst feeling guilty about spending time with one parent over the other.
Create your own traditions
Christmas is not a competition, although some parents may feel that the other is deliberately trying to ‘out-do’ them. Make your own special arrangements for the time you spend with your children on your own terms. Your child will enjoy the opportunity of celebrating twice even if those celebrations differ. It’s the experience - not the date- that matters.
If your children are spending the day with their other parent, you may feel lonely or isolated. Plan ahead for how you’ll spend the day. Consider being with friends, volunteering or doing something meaningful and seek support if you are struggling.
Gifts
Discuss and set realistic budgets and avoid competing over gifts. Coordinate with your co-parent to avoid duplicate or excessive presents. Focus on quality time over material things.
Communication
Agree with the other parent how and when you are going to communicate with the child during the day if you are not with them. Many children now have their own phone so could message and speak to the parent they are not with whenever they would like. However, there is a need to balance communication, time away from devices and spending quality family time together.
If the children are younger, you might be able to agree whether the parent will send photos or videos throughout the day. Or consider a video call to watch the children open one or some of their gifts – brief contact during the day could make a big difference to both the parent and child.
Emotional stress for children.
Children may feel guilt, divided loyalties or sadness about not being with both parents together over Christmas especially if the separation is recent. Listen and reassure children that it’s okay to enjoy spending time with both parents. Try to take the pressure away from having constant fun and let children express their feelings and deal with the day in their own way and time. Keep conflict away from the children and avoid talking negatively about the other parent.
Christmas together?
Separated parents who are on good terms may wish to spend Christmas together at a restaurant or at one parent’s home and even with new partners included. This can give children a sense of stability and unity. However, make sure that the day is child focused, and it is important to discuss and establish boundaries especially around parenting responsibilities.
How to resolve a dispute
The courts have increasingly seen joint parenting decisions as the best way for parents to bring up their children. The view is generally that parents need to take a constructive approach to resolve their issues in a sensible way that suits the children, rather than the adults. It is recognised that is not always possible for some families facing complex issues including abuse, violence and addiction.
However, if parents are unable to resolve matters constructively, or perhaps could do so with appropriate guidance, support is available from expert family law professionals. Court should always be the point of last resort, and as mentioned above, the Court may not have capacity to resolve disputes other than the most urgent ones in the timeframe leading up to Christmas.
What are the options?
Mediation
Mediators are trained to help parents improve their communication. They are able to arrange meetings with the parents within a timeframe compatible with the issues in dispute and help them identify solutions that achieve lasting resolutions. For more about mediation see: Family mediation service | Divorce mediation | Weightmans
Collaborative discussions
Collaborative family law is an alternative to mediation and provides another way of helping you find the best solution for you and your family without the need to go to court.
Like mediation, it empowers you to take control of matters in a more respectful and amicable way with full transparency. Both parties are fully supported by their own lawyer who is collaboratively trained. For more about collaborative law options see: Collaborative family lawyers: free consultation | Weightmans
Solicitor-led negotiation
Discussing your aims and objectives with a family law solicitor can help you identify the issues and options, helping you to negotiate a solution which centres on the best interests of your child and family.
Arbitration
If there is no scope to reach an agreed solution, an outcome may need to be determined by a third party – the arbitrator.
As an alternative to court, arbitration allows the parties to appoint a private Judge to adjudicate their case. This process allows for more flexibility, is quicker than going to court and also allows parties to choose their own arbitrator.
The process can be adapted to suit the needs of the parties.
Both parties will put their arguments to the arbitrator who will reach a decision which will then be binding and subsequently recorded in a court order.
Finally, we know it isn’t always the season to be jolly
Many children face complex family situations, which may involve domestic abuse or child protection issues. Many children, and one or both parents, dread Christmas.
In that situation, if Christmas arrangements cannot be facilitated in such a way that is in your child’s best interests, taking expert legal advice at an early stage can often help parents avoid last minute pressure and challenges and hopefully allow everyone to enjoy the festive period.
At Weightmans our legal experts in England and Scotland are specialists in successfully handling the most complex and challenging of child arrangement disputes.
